Métro Nation

rue Pyrénées, 00h20

21 Mai 2010

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. . . . You set a timer for sending a text message to your friend forty minutes in advance. It says : " Liste d'attestations -- (1) i recognize its a bad idea, (2) we can talk abt it more later, (3) i have a lil cold, (4) i want to wake up in yr bed tmrw. " At this point you all are still at your place enjoying a cocktail.

30 minutes before it goes off you're heading out the door to have a drink at the friend of a friend's place.

15 minutes before it goes off you're debating in the bodega over who's paying for the beer.

7 minutes before it goes off you're wondering if pre-set text message sending really is a good idea. Consequently, your arm movements start to become exaggerated with attempts to circumvent anxiety (like that ever works).

4 minutes before it goes off you're on the floor picking up the pieces to a glass of wine you knocked not just out of the hostess' hand but out of her hand and half way across the room.

40 minutes after you pre-set the sending of this text message to your friend, he's handing you a beer and assuring you you're not as much of an asshole as you think. And you're like, "Just wait, it gets better."

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Before you go Pop ...*

After much experimentation, we've landed on the perfect combination of flavors for a batch of savory popcorn. Measurments are relative -- "to taste" being a good rule of thumb here. Get ready ...

1-2 Tbl. oil (vegetable, olive, coconut, canola, whathaveyou)

1/4 cup popcorn kernels

fine grain sea salt

juice of 1/2 a lime

2 heavy pinches red pepper flakes (but if you have Valentina sauce on hand, oh, the wonders you can create)

1-2 Tbl. Nutritional yeast (Obligatory. Yes.)

Olive oil (to drizzle)

Put a med-large sized pot over a med-high sized flame. Add oil and kernels, shake the pot a bit to make sure the popcorn is well covered with oil. Shake the pot frequently back and forth to keep moving the popcorn around (you want to keep the kernels from burning). A moment or two after you hear the start of popping corn, add the red pepper flakes (if using sauce, wait to drizzle it on with the olive oil and salt). Keep it moving as that shit starts a'poppin' and right through until the sounds of them crazy kernels gets few and far between (still making sure to not let anything rest on the bottom of the pot too long). Remove from heat.

If you fortunate enough to be working with a large stock pot (you luck gormet popcorn chef, you) add the salt, a generous drizzling of olive oil and lime juice now so you can shake that shtuff up with the use of the pot lid (lending to even, mess-free coating of yum), otherwise transfer directly to a large bowl and attempt the same. Pour a happy helping of nutritional yeast on top just before serving (most of it will fall through to the stuff underneath anyways) and maybe a bit more salt, red pepper flakes and lime (all to taste). Enjoy immediately (as to preserve all the awesomness within).

*I'm thinking of changinge the tag-line for the blog to "emotionally unstable and hungry seeks same."

On the road

rue de Bellville (parmi d'autres), 10h50

5 April 2010

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TEXTS SENT TO ELLI ON MY WAY TO THE LITHO STUDIO :

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11h18 -- "Just past an older cpl making out nxt to the métro and thought it was cute and then i saw tongue & ... well, in short it was unfortunate x"

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11h37 -- "Thr's nothing like wearing a backpack in the city &coming across smone tht's actually backing thro the city, &finding y'r carring similar loads x"

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11h47 -- "Glad to hear y'r enjoying it bc i just nearly had a pigeon nosedive into the back of my head &was wanting badly to share tht w you too"

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11h48 -- "Tho if i had a camera phone it'd be bettr"

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11h51 -- "Just ruined a 3rd touristic photo op by wlking thro the backgrd of the shot & pulling a face of equal parts confusion &horror"

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11h55 -- "txting on the pont ds arts is hard bc looking down you see all the wood boards pass by leading to pedestrian motion sickness"

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(and then)

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23h56 -- "Mmm &to add to my list of sightings tday: just caught smone whizzing in a phone booth &now know exactly where that smell comes from ... classy"

upstairs

(having woken up neither alone nor in my own) bed, 15h50

28 March 2010

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. . . . . . . I've recently found I have a penchant for list-making. I came up with one last Tuesday with the intention of stablizing my budget/work ethic/mental health for the rest of my stay.

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J'atteste que, d'ici, je ferai mon mieux de :

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- stop smoking

- not go out more than 3 times a week (hanging out at friends houses not included)

- not wake up with a hangover more than 5 times a week (one day sans alcool prefered)

- only have 1 night of dating/sex/excess flirting (dancing) per week

- speak French more often

- budget

- not beat myself up when I fuck up any of the aforementioned goals

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A week later and I have not adhered to a single one of these points. Though I am giving the final one a worthwhile shot.

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Saturday night we were at a party together and I went home with him. I cornered him in a window where we were smoking and suggested we makeout. Just a little. Because I was drunk and probably wouldn't remember it. I was wearing a scarf for a shirt (don't -- I know ...). I had taken a nice guy from Miami home from a bar the night before (when it rains, it pours) and was feeling confident and sexy and more than slightly careless. But even from the first kiss, the whole thing felt like saying good-bye.

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It's funny, since I got here I've never done so much nothing. But not nothing like watching tv or youtube or facebooking (yikes) but frequently, with friends and sometimes alone, we just sit and let time pass without overthinking it. Not everyday but a couple hours a week at least. I think I'm in a rare place in my life where I can do this -- where I can allow time to be filled with simply being and not trying to occupy it with the pressure to work or chat or move or think. And there's still a buzz of anxiety and guilt that surrounds these moments but practice has been helping my parlor-room meditations (or so I have decided to call them) and the company of friends keeps me present so I that I don't get lost in thought (for the most part) and am able to let things kind of just be what they are for a while (as in, not good or bad or exciting or boring, but just as they are in that moment).

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I had one of these times yesterday. For hours. Until 5 o'clock in the afternoon we laid in bed and did nothing. And I found myself at one point consumed with anxiety over not wanting to leave where I was and then paradoxically needing to leave because I was so overwhelmed with the idea of that space in time ending. And then I realized how hard I was still working to control my experience rather than just letting it go and exist and end when it had to. And I recognized the fact that I was happy in that moment, and that I knew (most certainly) that I would not be for the time that followed and (most importantly) that that negative experience will only serve to lead me back to another moment of happiness, even more fulfilled by a greater sense of experience and enlightenment. And while it was a hard place to maintain for just a couple hours yesterday (and even harder today), it was quite blissful letting go of all control because I felt somewhat comfortable with the present and the (presumably more sucky) future (leading to a fuller experience of another moment of happiness, and so forth and so on, ad fin.).

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Was it a good idea, then ? Well, no, for obivious reasons. (Maritza very lovingly told me I was dumb when I came home on Sunday*) But, maybe for other reasons ...

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I realized after I had my big melt down two weeks ago that part of my problem was that I had let this idea of "myself" become too big to support. "I" had to know what "I" was doing and where "I" was going and what that meant to "me". After a great deal of reflection (and feeling like shit) I remembered that it doesn't matter -- it doesn't matter whether or not I know what I'm doing as long as I can sense that I'm not in it alone (even if I can't always pin-point who's there with me) and that I am still working toward something (even if I still don't know what that something is ...).

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So that feeling of "good-bye" ? Well, I imagine it's not the last time I'm going to see him (though, I'm almost hoping at this point it'll be the last time we sleep together), so maybe it was letting go of some dependency on controling this idea of "me" and who "I" can see and what "I" should do and what "I" have to have happen and needing someone to be responsible when it does all go to shit -- because since January there hasn't been a single thing which has worked out the way that "I" expected it to.

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And to this point, I couldn't have been luckier.

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* Which was totally justified. x

front door

(having woken up alone) my own bed, 10h20

17 March 2010

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. . . . . . . The doorbell rang around 9:00 this morning. I had been writing in the kitchen since 8:00. When I opened the door a woman with a large envelope in here hand looked at me with apprehension and asked if Lara Peligino lived here. I let a blank expression ride my face for a prolonged moment.

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"Who ?"

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She stuttered as she repeated the name and timidly held out the envelope for me to read it. I informed her that it was the apartment to the right that she was looking for and forced a polite smile as she thanked me and backed away slowly.

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Coming back through the hallway I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Small, red eyes cushioned by large dark pillows of skin and framed by an unbalanced mess of greesy locks looked back at me. (Ample consideration should be given to how unfortunate this state is for onlookers the morning after crying yourself to sleep, preferably before opening the door to strangers.)

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Maritza came into the kitchen a little while later and after a moment let out a hesitant "Ça va, Sam ?"

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"No. But it's going to."

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After a little bit of work she finally got the story out of me. Not the whole story, just the important bits, like how I realized that most of the shit I was feeling wasn't even about him anymore. How there was just something he said that triggered this avalanche of insecurity and not being okay. How frustrated I am realizing that what has me feeling like this can't be blamed on anyone or thing but exists just a "heartache with no face to put on it,"* and that I just have to wait it out.

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Then she hugged me. And she said, "Please don't be sad." And then she hugged me tighter. And I said, "thank you, my friend. I can't tell you how lucky I am to have met you." And then a minute or two later I was finally like, "So you're really not going to let go until I am happy again ?"

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It's all for the best. Or it's going to be. I don't really believe this but I'm hoping that if I say it often enough I might start to.

*another one of my very clever friends talked about this. xx

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"Until Ya Get Over It" Handmade Chocolate Guiness Ice Cream

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Adapted from Heidi Swanson's Peppermint Semifreddo.

While you can totally swap out some of the manual labor for a Kitchen Aide or electric handmixer, I love the idea of using the process of making the dessert to burn (most of) the calories you'll be consuming in the final product.

1 1/2 cups (40 cl) heavy whipping cream, chilled

1/2 cup evaporated cane sugar, divided

3 large organic eggs, separated

1/2 Guiness

3.5 oz (1 bar) dark chocolate (70% or more)

1/3 cup chopped walnuts, optional

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Start by melting the chocolate either in a double broiler or the microwave. Set aside.

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Whip the heavy cream in a medium sized bowl until you can form soft, floppy peaks of chantilly. (If you're getting stiff peaks you've over done it.) Leave it in the fridge until you need it again.

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Because this dessert has eggs at the base, you're going to need to set everything up before starting to make sure it's all on hand (i.e. this is when you do your measuring). Make an ice bath in a large bowl (I actually like to use a deep skillet for this) and set it to the side. "Set a large heatproof bowl over a pan of simmering water. You need to move quickly here, so have everything right on hand. Add the egg yolks and 1/4 cup of the sugar, and quickly start whisking - whisk until the mixture starts to pale, 30 seconds or so. Add the [Guiness] and whisk like you've never whisked before until the mixture starts to thicken (somewhere between [2 and 5] minutes depending on the heat)." The Guiness makes this part hard to judge, but in spite of the foam you'll still be able to see when it starts to thicken up a bit. Remove the bowl from heat but leave the water simmering.

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Place the bowl in the ice bath and add your (room temp but still liquid) chocolate and continue whisking like hell until the mixture is cool to the touch. Remove from the ice bath and set aside.

"Take another heatproof bowl (you can use the one from your electric mixer if you've got one) and set it over the simmering water, whisk the egg whites and the remaining 1/4 cup of sugar. Start whisking, you want the sugar to dissolve and the egg whites to warm up a touch - the heat makes it easier to whip them. After a minute or so remove them from the heat and whisk the whites until they have glossy peaks - four or five minutes. They should be structured and stiff."

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Now you get to put all that shit together. Fold a small amount of egg whites into the egg/choco/Guiness mixture until it's entirely blended (this helps to lighten up the mixture and makes the rest of the folding easier). Now fold in the rest of the egg whites until it's just blended (if there's little pockets of white it's not a big deal -- better than if you deflate the whole thing). Then fold in the cream (I usually do this in two or three parts) and, finally, the walnuts.

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Spoon into either a large Tupperware container or several small, fancy, freezable dessert glasses. The ice cream takes about four hours in a large tupperware to set and 6-7 to freeze all the way through. The cool thing about individual glasses (or containers) is that after an hour or two you can serve them 1/2 frozen (semifreddo, as the lady says) which is quite delish.

courtyard across from the parc

sitting on a small stone wall covered in ivy, 1h30
17 March 2010
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. . . . . " He sent me an email finally last night when my friends were over. We talked a bit later. It's a long story but in the end poor buddy had to bear a lot of the quiet crazy that came out of me. And I was left wanting so badly to be able to know what it's like to wake up next to someone you love. And I felt so reduced and empty and sure that I'm never going to.

I've been thinking a lot about giving up these days. Not just on Paris; everything. I just don't know what I'm expecting to find anymore. I feel like I've walked away from everyone I've ever meant anything to in search of something that I'm more and more sure I'll never find. "

He liked the CD, though. The imperceptible shine of a vaguely silver lining.

la cuisine

à côté du chauffage (encore une fois), 1h11
16 March 2010

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I've decided I've missed too much of my story to go back and recount it now. It's probably part of the reason I've put off writing for so long.

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. . . . . . . . . I made him a mixed CD yesterday. This, instead of doing one of the million and one things I should have been taking care of in order to put my steady shaking apart Parisian life back together. I spent hours on that shit. I left it by his door wrapped in a piece of sketch book paper with "écoute-moi" written in small handwriting on the front and with a note on the inside that said "ça va, la grève ? say one more time that you're not looking for a relationship or at least not one with me and I promise I'll let it drop," and on the other side "en tous cas, happy listening. -s "

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That was this afternoon. Still no word.

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This is my final attempt at regaining some level of sanity. It's been hard to maintain my distance lately, despite some half-hearted efforts. So now instead of loosing what feels like hours of the day walking around trying to figure out what's going on his head after every encounter, I'll know if there's actually something there worth hanging on for or if I should stop wasting time waiting around for nothing.

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Two weeks ago Maritza and I finally called a plumber at 22h30 at night to come and fix the shower which had given up on mainting any level of water pressure about a month before. The landlady didn't care. Or she did but cared more about her pretty golden duck head than our hygiene. The plumber came and took the old faucet and left us with a 700€ bill for a new one, plus the 160€ he charged for the service. He was in the apartment for less than an hour.

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The only reason we took it was because he said he was going to leave us a bill of about 200€ just for having to come to the apartment at 11 o'clock at night and as shit as it is to get your landlady to reimburse you for the 820€ you were overcharged for a useless shower it's even more shit to get her to cover the 200€ you just threw in the (only marginally more functional) toilet. It's been complicated trying to go about getting our money back because of letters and documents and tracking down the (putain connard) plumber so Maritza's friend has been helping us out a lot. Which doesn't give us as much space as we need. Well, as I need, anyway.

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I know I'm not the only one. I'm lost in a sea of other girls waiting to get into his shorts and a slightly larger group of other girls waiting to get back into his shorts and as much as he must know at this point, know because I've told him, how much he makes me feel like just another easy lay, he still doesn't think before he does something to crush me just a little bit more. And I spend so much time hating him for it and trying to figure out all the reasons why he's just not worth it and how he's just another guy that doesn't know what he wants. And then after I've spent even five minutes with him I'm suddenly over it. And all that's left is those warm hazel eyes looking down on me and a painful realization that the negativity was a waste of energy because he's already been forgiven. Because I can't not forgive him. Can't not understand.

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The bastard ...

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I hope he says not that it's bad timing but that he's not interested in me. Then I can really let it go for good. But I think he likes me too much to let me stop liking him infinitely more and his compliments and his thoughtfulness and his way of lingering when we spend time together, it's like dysfunctional relationship Miracle grow. And I eat it up with a fucking spoon.

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Blue Corn Pancakes and Maple Syrup

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This recipe yields neither of these as a final product.

Adzuki beans and whole grain brown rice are like a match made in high nutritional value heaven. I topped my dish with a poached egg for extra protein (and because I like eggs). The cheese mentioned in the recipe is speculative (and, likewise, optional) but I'm rather excited about trying the combo out. This lunch was enjoyed with some hot, tasty (and rather stunning) hibiscus tea à la Lala.

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2 cups cooked adzuki beans (homemade is better but I won't judge you for using canned)

2 1/2 cups cooked (though al dente) short grain brown rice

1/2 cup loosely chopped (and lightly toasted) walnuts

3-4 shallots, sliced

1/2 bunch chard or kale, well washed, destemed and sliced

juice of 1/2 a lemon (about 2 T)

1/4 tsp. ground coriander

2 tsp fresh thyme

pinch evaporated cane sugar

heavy pinch red pepper flakes

2 T Evoo + more for drizzling

sea salt and fresh black pepper to taste

parmesan or manchego to garnish (totally optional)

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Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over med heat. Add shallots, pinch of sugar, red pepper flakes and two pinches of salt and sautée until the shallots become soft and take on a little color. Add lemon juice and chard/kale and continue sautéeing until the greens are soft and darker in color (about 2 minutes) then add the beans, walnuts, coriander and thyme and sautée another minute or so. Finally add the rice and any additional oil if it's looking a bit dry. Remove from flame after dish is well heated. Garnish with a dusting of parmesan or shaved manchego and serve as side or main course topped with a poached egg.

Chez moi

La cuisine, 16h26

28 February 2010

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. . . . I've been blog delinquent and I apologize.

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Truth is there's been stuff weighing on my mind that isn't neccessarily publishable sur l'internet. It's funny, exactly three weeks have gone by since I published my last post but it really all happened in a blink and I have to admit that with school (if nothing else) I'm in almost entirely the same situation I was in right after orientation week -- lost, lost, lost, lonely foreign exchange student.

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The first week after orientation, every attempt to establish some kind of schedule or space for myself was foiled by miscommunication, a cancel class, cancel course, or simply listing the name of a room which is not actually at the school but in a museum, 30 minutes by foot from the school and which has no reservations about the locking the door on unknowing foreign students who show up half frozen in the snow 45 minutes late.

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By Friday, I had given up trying to take any sort of control of my misguided situation. I showed up at the school around 4h30 with a roll of black craft paper and, realizing I had no reason to actually go into the studio, turned on my heels 3m from the door and went to wander around the art galleries in the area instead, flipping my roll of paper up in air and catching it as I strolled. Art galleries are mostly amusing and sometimes (on those wonderfully rare but fitting occasions) heartbreakingly inspirational. The work I found on the little rue Visconti hit me like that. They were the painting of a man who had once been an architect and featured softened geometric forms laid out with pencil marks and earth-tones on unprimed canvas. Pleased with my being pleased, the owner of the gallery led me downstairs to see the continuationation of the exhibition. And then left on my own I could make like the true crazy that I am inside and put myself right up against each painting, trying to understand how it came to be so interesting, moving, while remaining so simple. And finally I decided, he must just know, this painter dude. He must just know how to let this happen.

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Getting Phở -cked up (in 15 minutes or less)

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This wayyy simplified (and veg-ified) version of traditional Vietnamese rice noodle soup is my go-to food item for getting over the final hump of any sickness. I know that things like Nutrional yeast and Ume vinegar are not to be found in most kitchen cabinets but seriously, seriously, once you've got them on hand their uses multiply -- likewise with the Sriracha.

(This is one of my less flattering food photos : You'll have to forgive me for being too hungry to perfect the shot)

This soup is best made to order, but if you want to cut down on cooking time you can make the broth with tofu/seitan and more durable veggies (broccoli, carrots, mushrooms) in advance and then just add the noodles and leafy greens when reheating.

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1 1/2 cups veggie stock -- alternatively 1 1/2 cups water + 1/2 a veggie bullion cube (I like Rapunzel brand if you can find it)

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Seasoning (measurements are approximations -- make sure to taste as you go and feel free to go heavy handed on the stuff you like)

1/4 of a med onion, sliced (1/4 cup)

2 tsp ginger powder/1 tsp fresh grated ginger root

1 med-clove garlic, minced/1 tsp garlic powder

1/8 tsp ground coriander

touch black pepper

2-3 tsp nutritional yeast

couple heavy dashes Ume (plum) vinegar

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2 oz tofu (or sliced seitan or 1 egg)

1/3 - 1/2 cup greenerie (I prefer simple bok choy or spinach, but it can be any quick cooking veg or veggie combo)

1/2 T Evoo/sesame oil/peanut oil

handful (app. 4-5 oz.) Thai stir-fry rice noodles (while not so traditional (though what about this recipe is), I prefer the fat stir-fry thai noodles because they hold their form a little longer than the skinny ones)

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To garnish : (this is important)

**Tamari (or conventional soy sauce)

**Sriracha sauce (Vietnamese hot sauce)

**Thai basil

**Sprouts

**lime wedges

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Set stock/agua+bullion in med-sized pot over med-sized heat. While the water is heating add ingredients starting with the onion and garlic and making your way through the other seasonings (ginger, coriander, ume vinegar, nutritional yeast, black pepper). Toss in the chopped tofu or sliced seitan (if using an egg as protein you want to time dropping the egg in until the soup only has about 3-4 mins of cooking time left).

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Check the cooking time of the rice noodles -- most stir-fry noodles take about 10 mins, so plan the cooking time for the whatever green ya got around this (e.g. add broccoli or bok choy just before the noodles; add spinach or kale 3-4 minutes before the soup is ready). The timing of certain ingredients make take one or two tries to perfect but worry not -- even if the spinach/egg/whathaveyou is a bit overdone on the first take it'll still be tasty. Add the glup of oil and remove the soup from heat when the noodles are still al dente, allowing them to continue cooking in the hot broth as the soup cools to eating temp (shorting the listed cooking time app. 2 mins). I like to garnish with a pool of Tamari sauce and heavy sprinkling of Sriracha. Experitment with combinations of these, limes, sprouts, Thai basil, hoisin sauce or whatever strikes your fancy.