front door

(having woken up alone) my own bed, 10h20

17 March 2010

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. . . . . . . The doorbell rang around 9:00 this morning. I had been writing in the kitchen since 8:00. When I opened the door a woman with a large envelope in here hand looked at me with apprehension and asked if Lara Peligino lived here. I let a blank expression ride my face for a prolonged moment.

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"Who ?"

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She stuttered as she repeated the name and timidly held out the envelope for me to read it. I informed her that it was the apartment to the right that she was looking for and forced a polite smile as she thanked me and backed away slowly.

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Coming back through the hallway I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Small, red eyes cushioned by large dark pillows of skin and framed by an unbalanced mess of greesy locks looked back at me. (Ample consideration should be given to how unfortunate this state is for onlookers the morning after crying yourself to sleep, preferably before opening the door to strangers.)

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Maritza came into the kitchen a little while later and after a moment let out a hesitant "Ça va, Sam ?"

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"No. But it's going to."

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After a little bit of work she finally got the story out of me. Not the whole story, just the important bits, like how I realized that most of the shit I was feeling wasn't even about him anymore. How there was just something he said that triggered this avalanche of insecurity and not being okay. How frustrated I am realizing that what has me feeling like this can't be blamed on anyone or thing but exists just a "heartache with no face to put on it,"* and that I just have to wait it out.

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Then she hugged me. And she said, "Please don't be sad." And then she hugged me tighter. And I said, "thank you, my friend. I can't tell you how lucky I am to have met you." And then a minute or two later I was finally like, "So you're really not going to let go until I am happy again ?"

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It's all for the best. Or it's going to be. I don't really believe this but I'm hoping that if I say it often enough I might start to.

*another one of my very clever friends talked about this. xx

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"Until Ya Get Over It" Handmade Chocolate Guiness Ice Cream

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Adapted from Heidi Swanson's Peppermint Semifreddo.

While you can totally swap out some of the manual labor for a Kitchen Aide or electric handmixer, I love the idea of using the process of making the dessert to burn (most of) the calories you'll be consuming in the final product.

1 1/2 cups (40 cl) heavy whipping cream, chilled

1/2 cup evaporated cane sugar, divided

3 large organic eggs, separated

1/2 Guiness

3.5 oz (1 bar) dark chocolate (70% or more)

1/3 cup chopped walnuts, optional

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Start by melting the chocolate either in a double broiler or the microwave. Set aside.

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Whip the heavy cream in a medium sized bowl until you can form soft, floppy peaks of chantilly. (If you're getting stiff peaks you've over done it.) Leave it in the fridge until you need it again.

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Because this dessert has eggs at the base, you're going to need to set everything up before starting to make sure it's all on hand (i.e. this is when you do your measuring). Make an ice bath in a large bowl (I actually like to use a deep skillet for this) and set it to the side. "Set a large heatproof bowl over a pan of simmering water. You need to move quickly here, so have everything right on hand. Add the egg yolks and 1/4 cup of the sugar, and quickly start whisking - whisk until the mixture starts to pale, 30 seconds or so. Add the [Guiness] and whisk like you've never whisked before until the mixture starts to thicken (somewhere between [2 and 5] minutes depending on the heat)." The Guiness makes this part hard to judge, but in spite of the foam you'll still be able to see when it starts to thicken up a bit. Remove the bowl from heat but leave the water simmering.

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Place the bowl in the ice bath and add your (room temp but still liquid) chocolate and continue whisking like hell until the mixture is cool to the touch. Remove from the ice bath and set aside.

"Take another heatproof bowl (you can use the one from your electric mixer if you've got one) and set it over the simmering water, whisk the egg whites and the remaining 1/4 cup of sugar. Start whisking, you want the sugar to dissolve and the egg whites to warm up a touch - the heat makes it easier to whip them. After a minute or so remove them from the heat and whisk the whites until they have glossy peaks - four or five minutes. They should be structured and stiff."

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Now you get to put all that shit together. Fold a small amount of egg whites into the egg/choco/Guiness mixture until it's entirely blended (this helps to lighten up the mixture and makes the rest of the folding easier). Now fold in the rest of the egg whites until it's just blended (if there's little pockets of white it's not a big deal -- better than if you deflate the whole thing). Then fold in the cream (I usually do this in two or three parts) and, finally, the walnuts.

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Spoon into either a large Tupperware container or several small, fancy, freezable dessert glasses. The ice cream takes about four hours in a large tupperware to set and 6-7 to freeze all the way through. The cool thing about individual glasses (or containers) is that after an hour or two you can serve them 1/2 frozen (semifreddo, as the lady says) which is quite delish.

la cuisine

à côté du chauffage (encore une fois), 1h11
16 March 2010

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I've decided I've missed too much of my story to go back and recount it now. It's probably part of the reason I've put off writing for so long.

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. . . . . . . . . I made him a mixed CD yesterday. This, instead of doing one of the million and one things I should have been taking care of in order to put my steady shaking apart Parisian life back together. I spent hours on that shit. I left it by his door wrapped in a piece of sketch book paper with "écoute-moi" written in small handwriting on the front and with a note on the inside that said "ça va, la grève ? say one more time that you're not looking for a relationship or at least not one with me and I promise I'll let it drop," and on the other side "en tous cas, happy listening. -s "

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That was this afternoon. Still no word.

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This is my final attempt at regaining some level of sanity. It's been hard to maintain my distance lately, despite some half-hearted efforts. So now instead of loosing what feels like hours of the day walking around trying to figure out what's going on his head after every encounter, I'll know if there's actually something there worth hanging on for or if I should stop wasting time waiting around for nothing.

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Two weeks ago Maritza and I finally called a plumber at 22h30 at night to come and fix the shower which had given up on mainting any level of water pressure about a month before. The landlady didn't care. Or she did but cared more about her pretty golden duck head than our hygiene. The plumber came and took the old faucet and left us with a 700€ bill for a new one, plus the 160€ he charged for the service. He was in the apartment for less than an hour.

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The only reason we took it was because he said he was going to leave us a bill of about 200€ just for having to come to the apartment at 11 o'clock at night and as shit as it is to get your landlady to reimburse you for the 820€ you were overcharged for a useless shower it's even more shit to get her to cover the 200€ you just threw in the (only marginally more functional) toilet. It's been complicated trying to go about getting our money back because of letters and documents and tracking down the (putain connard) plumber so Maritza's friend has been helping us out a lot. Which doesn't give us as much space as we need. Well, as I need, anyway.

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I know I'm not the only one. I'm lost in a sea of other girls waiting to get into his shorts and a slightly larger group of other girls waiting to get back into his shorts and as much as he must know at this point, know because I've told him, how much he makes me feel like just another easy lay, he still doesn't think before he does something to crush me just a little bit more. And I spend so much time hating him for it and trying to figure out all the reasons why he's just not worth it and how he's just another guy that doesn't know what he wants. And then after I've spent even five minutes with him I'm suddenly over it. And all that's left is those warm hazel eyes looking down on me and a painful realization that the negativity was a waste of energy because he's already been forgiven. Because I can't not forgive him. Can't not understand.

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The bastard ...

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I hope he says not that it's bad timing but that he's not interested in me. Then I can really let it go for good. But I think he likes me too much to let me stop liking him infinitely more and his compliments and his thoughtfulness and his way of lingering when we spend time together, it's like dysfunctional relationship Miracle grow. And I eat it up with a fucking spoon.

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Blue Corn Pancakes and Maple Syrup

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This recipe yields neither of these as a final product.

Adzuki beans and whole grain brown rice are like a match made in high nutritional value heaven. I topped my dish with a poached egg for extra protein (and because I like eggs). The cheese mentioned in the recipe is speculative (and, likewise, optional) but I'm rather excited about trying the combo out. This lunch was enjoyed with some hot, tasty (and rather stunning) hibiscus tea à la Lala.

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2 cups cooked adzuki beans (homemade is better but I won't judge you for using canned)

2 1/2 cups cooked (though al dente) short grain brown rice

1/2 cup loosely chopped (and lightly toasted) walnuts

3-4 shallots, sliced

1/2 bunch chard or kale, well washed, destemed and sliced

juice of 1/2 a lemon (about 2 T)

1/4 tsp. ground coriander

2 tsp fresh thyme

pinch evaporated cane sugar

heavy pinch red pepper flakes

2 T Evoo + more for drizzling

sea salt and fresh black pepper to taste

parmesan or manchego to garnish (totally optional)

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Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over med heat. Add shallots, pinch of sugar, red pepper flakes and two pinches of salt and sautée until the shallots become soft and take on a little color. Add lemon juice and chard/kale and continue sautéeing until the greens are soft and darker in color (about 2 minutes) then add the beans, walnuts, coriander and thyme and sautée another minute or so. Finally add the rice and any additional oil if it's looking a bit dry. Remove from flame after dish is well heated. Garnish with a dusting of parmesan or shaved manchego and serve as side or main course topped with a poached egg.

l'école

École Nationale Supérieure des Beaux-Arts, 16h10
7 February 2010
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. . . . . . Julia refers to college life and relationships as though they were seasons of a television series. We were in the midst of season three when I skipped over the second half of it, jumping into the fourth season with my trip abroad. We're all hoping season five brings us all together again but not before fully indulging in international cameos while the fourth lingers on.

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Monday was orientation. I got there late. By like two minutes (which is still eighteen minutes early in French-time). I jogged up the rue Bonaparte, dodging Vespas and old women in fur coats and small dogs on the narrow cobblestone walkways, brushing through the gate onto the school grounds. I pressed through dark halls adjoining courtyards lined with classical sculptures and fountains toward the back of the school. There a roomful of would-be felicities and harries, each sitting alone together in the mixed crowd of strangers somewhat overwhelmed by the joy and anxiety of not knowing what to expect (or what was expected of them) at this new (though ancient) school.

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Greeting the anticipation of the thirty-five students from New York, LA, Chicago, Canada, Brasil, Germany, England, Austria, Australia, China, Russia, Switzerland, Israel, Zimbabwe, Italy and Peru was a half hour presentation which started forty-five minutes late and left more questions than answers while the organizer, Véronique, slipped out of the room into her office and locked the door.

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I don't remember if words were actually exchanged, but, as great minds think alike, the girl to my right and I quickly found ourselves trying find out where we could go to grab a drink. As is typical of spontaneous outtings, we rounded up about eight people who wanted to come with us to the cafe across the street and two who actually did.

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Heather is an Australian, originally from Sydney, but imported (for ENSBA purposes) from Canberra, which is the capital (apparently). She spent about six months in Paris when she was 16, and her French is pretty good considering (though she has the mega-advantage of really really really enjoying speaking the language -- this allows someone to shamelessly make faults zipping through them into a much more successful linguistic competence). She's also spent some time backpacking around Europe and has some nifty anecdotes from Dublin (along with some depressing ones).

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Of the two we managed to talk into joining us, Kevin is also from Australia (Sydney born and bred), a bit older, working on his Master's, and Phoebe is light-hearted nymph from Hunter College (NYC, baby), who's participation in this program came about in the same assbackwards way mine did.

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Sobering up in the 40 degree breeze on my way home over the Seine and up to the hills of Chaumont, I had an episode of wanting to ring all of my friends in the states, which usually starts with Kim and goes on for the one or two phone numbers I can remember beyond that.

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The schedule for the week of orientation was kind of all over the place, having some days where we were supposed to show up for an hour or two, some where we were booked the whole day and one day where attendance was expected, but we more or less had to figure out in what capacity on our own. Wednesday morning we all met again in the conference room at 9h30 prepared to show our portfolios to department heads to find out what artist's atelier we should try to negotiate acceptance into. After about two and half hours of literally sitting there shaking, I sat with the head of the painting department and said, I like artists a, b and c, to which she replied, "Good choices."

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The one good thing that came out of being made to sit around, devising means of distracting myself from my jumping knees, was that I met Zach, a vegan with a lip-ring and a kind face brought in from Chicago but originally from just outside Lawrence, KA (I have had very good experiences with people from this part of the world). Super excited to see that vegans could exist in Europe (even though they were imported from elsewhere), I invited him and his girlfriend over for dinner Thursday night. I made curried eggplant which was f'ing delish (check the recipe below), though it was their gratitude that really made the dinner successful. Apparently it was the first meal they'd eaten in a week that wasn't bread and dip. It was an awesome experience for me because, well, vegges always need to watch out for each other, especially when abroad, and because I was grateful to be in a place this time where I could reach out and offer something simple but profound, in the same way Anja and others had done for Anna and me the last time I was here.

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After the meeting with the department heads, we were invited to a Pot d'accueil (welcome drink) in a narrow hallway where we steadied our nerves with some vino (and our growling stomachs with bread and cheese and coldcuts and fruit and couscous and cake). This was a rather fabulous scheduling move because a) it was 12h30 in the afternoon and b) we had a French placement exam less than two hours later (jeez). So after the better part of a bottle of wine each, we stumbled through various corridors, courtyards and stairways trying to find the exam room (successfully losing half the party in the process).

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[ The oral part of my exam translates roughly into :

Q : And why did you want to come to the school in Paris ?

A : Because I really like the school and I really like French and I'm an artist and you all make good art here and I enjoy speaking French and Paris is great, I mean, it's fun, it's fun to be here speaking French in France, I mean Paris, at this school ... making art.

Q : ....

A : Should I sit down now ? ]

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Because we had some time between the exam and when we were supposed to meet in the library for a tour, Heather and I came up with the brilliant (and original) idea of meeting in the cafe across the street for a beer (surprise, surprise). Obviously still profiting a bit from the lunchtime high, she snuck into the classroom and wrote diagonally across the dry-erase board way too much information about our plans for an impromptu exchange student rendez-vous across the street, so that a third of the people that left the exam to come meet us ended up getting confused, spending over an hour wandering around St. Germain-de-Près looking for the cafe, and finally deciding on return to their respective homes, missing the presentation of the library all together.

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As for myself -- well, you can blame it partly on the high from the alcohol, but mostly from the high of just being there in those buildings with their history and their energy. I ducked out of the library meeting and headed down the grand staircase to the Palais d'études -- a huge, open empty hall with colored tile floor, red walls, golden trim, fresco detailing, and a 50 foot high glass ceiling. I sauntered delicately back and forth alone, across this silent, open space, smelling four hundred years of faces and voices and stories mixed with the cool winter air. I tried to touch a sense of presence, bringing forward an appreciation for my life's journey thus far while allowing the space and openness for whatever experiences may come next. And yet, I thought of nothing. And I walked back and forth. And swayed with the imperceptible breeze. And moved my feet in whatever little dances they remembered from so many years ago. And I let go of everything, so that all that was left was peace.

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Curried Eggplant (yum yum)

When I made this Thursday I served it with lemon-garlic sauteed kale, rice (2/3 brown, shortgrain, 1/3 red bhutanese, though I've also done quinoa in the past) and cilantro-yogurt sauce (recipe below). Because I was making it for vegans, I substituted regular yogurt for a creamy, unsweetened soy one. We were lucky, too, because Maritza made fried plantains, which really brought everything together (this is the only thing we didn't end up having leftovers of -- recipe to follow in future entries).

With the eggplant, I like to start with slices (about 1" thick), sprinkle both sides with fine-grain sea salt and lay them out on a plate or cutting board, layered with paper towels and with a heavy pot (or stack of books) on top for 1-2 hours. This draws the moisture of the eggplant so that it's more tender and absorbs more of the flavor from the spices.

2 med-sized eggplants cut into cubes (or one big mama eggplant; skin on -- see headnotes)

2 med-sized red onions chopped

3 cloves garlic minced

1 can diced tomatoes, 14oz/400g (the fire-roasted ones can be really good as long as they're not done up with additives)

+ 2 med-sized fresh tomatoes, chopped

2 T. EV [oh oh] + extra as needed

1-2 T. yellow curry powder (I usually opt for mild curry then use the cayenne for the kick as it gives more control over the spice factor. If you're using paste, use less and add little by little)

1 tsp. ground coriander

1/2 tsp. ground cumin

1 tsp. ground cinnamon (please please please try to make sure it's fresh !)

1/4-1/2 tsp. cayenne powder

1/4 tsp. ground white pepper (if it's handy)

Fresh Black pepper and sea salt, to taste

juice of 1/2 a lemon (about 2 T.)

1 T. chopped fresh coriander (cilantro)

Over medium heat, heat olive oil in a large, deep skillet. Add onions and sautee until lightly brown. While the onions are doing their thing, season them with black and white pepper and a touch of salt (because the eggplant already has salt on it from before) and curry if you're using a paste. Making sure the pan's not too hot, add the garlic and sautee another minute just until the garlic becomes fragrant and almost slightly kinda looks like it might start to take on color (Dante wrote about garlic-burners in the sixth circle with the heretics). Add the eggplant, being mindful that you may need to add another 1-3 T olive oil because of its super absorbency.

Add the dry spices and continue sauteeing until the eggplant becomes a little less rubbery and takes on some color from the pan and the oil (unless of course the garlic is starting to take on color too quickly causing concern for its well-being, then add the tomatoes right away). After adding the lemon juice and tomatoes, fill the can about 1/2 way with H20 and throw that in, too. Keep adding water as the curry cooks so that it can simmer happily without burning or becoming too thick. As long as it's well hydrated you can cook the eggplant for 2-3 hours or longer, letting the flavors really stew together and allowing extra water boil off. Make sure to taste the curry, too, as you cook it -- the spices should come together to form a round, slightly sweet flavor profile (if it doesn't taste this way, a touch more cinnamon or cumin usually helps, but be sensitive to salt and curry levels, too).

Stirring frequently, allow the curry to simmer over low heat 1-2 hours or until eggplant is well cooked. Remove from heat. Taking an old fashioned potato masher magigger (or a coffee mug or small bowl), gently press the curry to help break down the forms of the veggies and create a slightly smoother melange (not that you're going for hummous here). Add the fresh cilantro and adjust consistency by adding some water or returning to heat to allow moisture to evaporate. Serve hot with grains (see headnotes) or potatoes and topped with yogurt sauce.

Cilantro Yogurt sauce :

Put two single serving yogurt (about 8 oz or 1 cup) in a med sized bowl. Drizzle with 2-3 tsp. EVOooo, a sprinkle of sea salt and about 1/4 tsp. lemon zest. Mix (or whisk) to bring ingredients together and lighten sauce. Bon appetit.

Vanves

Marché aux Puces, 08h25
30 January 2010
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I don't know that I've ever really met anyone surrounded filled with as much (positive) energy as Maritza. Everytime I mention something that would be cool to check out or do one day she immediately suggests a date for actually doing it (there's a list of things on our fridge just now of dinner items to make, places to go eat and places to grab a drink/go dancing. Ambitious ? Why, yes, we like to think so, too). So it's Maritza to thank for helping me to get me out of bed at twenty after six this morning to go to the Marché de Vanves (even though my tired ass had barely been under the covers two hours). Thank ... blame ... whatev's.

I can definitively say, though, that we were even later, arriving at the flea market at 8:15, under the first drops of sunlight, forced to swallow gulp after gulp of bitter cold air while trying to navigate the long street of antiques vendors. (Perhaps more than even, in fact.)

The Marché de Vanves is one of my au pair family's favorite places to go to buy antiques (it in all likelihood would be mine as well had a wallet to support). It's one of the better quirky spots on Paris, je t'aime short list (even more so when it's not so effing cold).

We managed to waddle our frozen feet through the mess of mirrors and fans and photos and candle holders from the late 1800's and games and figurines and accordions and matchboxes from the early to mid-1900's and furniture spanning both decades (with some really nifty mod-style head scratchers from the 1960's) in about two hours, with only one (albeit 20 min) break for coffee and the prevention of frostbite. After a petit chocolat chaud (made with real chocolate no less !) Maritza and I went our separate ways in search of text books and that really good Indian curry sold in some obscure shop in the 6ème, respectively ).*

After a successful completion of mission food-aholic [phase P19], I walked over the Seine to the Marais and continued along until I (for the umpteenth time) started to be concerned about ever feeling my extremities again.

When I came back to the apartment I took a nap for about an hour, then spent the subsequent hour having a (mini) exestential crisis and lapsing into a bit of depressed state linked partially to the passage of time, predominantly to my not wanting to go to the bar to work last night, and also significantly to the settled weight of comprehension of physical distance and my inability to reach out to my network of friends in my state of loneliness and anxiety over the uncertainty of life in coming months.

(And to think -- all this without leaving my bed ! That's the thing about anxiety, it's wonderfully convenient, available anytime, anyplace.)

In short, I miss you.

The big, steaming bowl of red lentil soup I ate in front of a QuickPlay viewing of Annie Hall helped.** Which was important because work really kicked my ass. While the situation seemed to have improved with my collegue and the language and whole French bartending-schtick, the barmaid decided the other night that I was unneccessary and has now devised a list of ways for making me seem useless and expendable -- pushing past me take orders, clear tables and even diving in front of me on several occassions to grab the one rag used for drying glasses so that I'm left standing there with nothing to do but look cute (which I do very well, but still ...). In response, I've taken to saying "suck it" all bright-eyed and smiling like it means "ok" in English slang (there are more pro-active ways for dealing with this situation, I imagine, but I prefer to remain ignorant as to what they are).

I guess I've also not been feeling the Franco-love in that I haven't seen one of my Parisian contacts in the last week and half. Logically, I know people are busy at the start of a new year, but emotionally ? Come the fuck on people ! Not one of you has time to grab a drink or even a little 3/4 oz espresso ?! Ce qu'on aurait fait pour reçevoir la bienvenue. I like time to myself but there comes a point ... well, let's say that I'm luckier than I realized to have a roommate I get along so well with -- who doesn't mind me crashing her Wednesday sortie with her friends. (Which was friggin' awesome btws-- people that know how to do it up until 4AM on a Wednesday, are a rare and precious breed.) It's that dose of socialiblity that saved me the last time I arrived here. God bless her for it.

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I start at Beaux-Arts Monday. I'm interested/excited/more than moderately terrified to see how things will change in my well-established, week-old, Parisian life.

* Because I know for a moment there you thought I was the one buying text books.***
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** How do we feel about posting recipes ? Interested ?
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*** It's really cute because she even sent me a little text that was like, "Happy curry shopping !"****
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**** Can anyone even read this f-ing tiny text down here ? should I not even
bother ?*****
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***** What's with all the meta-metatext and need for reassurance ?******
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****** This question was actually rhetorical.

Parc des Buttes-Chaumont

un espace vert, 17h15

26 January 2010

". . . . . . . . . Désireux de donner aux Parisiens de vastes espaces verts, Napoléon III décide d'adjoindre aux bois de Boulogne (ouest) et de Vincennes (est), les parcs Montsouris (sud) et des Buttes-Chaumont (nord). Les travaux commencent en novembre 1863 sous la direction de l'ingénieur Alphand et du jardiner Barillet-Deschamps, sur une zone de 27 hectares dévastée par les carrières d'extraction de gypse, tandis que l'architecte Davioud édifie maisons de gardiens et chalets-restaurants. L'inauguration du parc, le 1er avril 1867, coincide avec celle de l'Exposition universelle. Plus que toute autre réalisation monumentale du Second Empire, les Buttes-Chaumont incarnent l'âme baroque de cette époque... . . . . . . . . . . . . "

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I was considering translating this passage for a hot-second but then these things are always painfully dull. In short, Napoleon decided that Paris should be surrounded by parks on all sides and created Buttes-Chaumont for the northern part of the city. It's rather some high quality craftsmanship too. While walking through the park the first time, I was racking my brain trying to remember if I've ever been anywhere more beautiful than this 27 hectares of sheer heaven. (It would appear that, no, I have not). My plans for blogging this week included writing something about the quartier, but when I set out to take photos of the neighborhood I ended spending the entire afternoon (the equivalent of 2AA battery life-spans) in the Parc alone.

What's so amazing about this place to me is that I'd never been here before, nor heard anything of it in my au-pair year. In tourist plagued sections of the city there are no postcards of the park or commemorative books about its construction (as there are for others like the Jardin de Luxembourg). A Google image search doesn't even return particularly sexy photos of this "incarnation of the baroque spirit."The fact that it lacks the notarity of Paris' larger parcs et bois adds to its seductive charm. I very quickly found myself emotionally and almost spiritually attached to this space -- it has a very eerie and bewitching timeless beauty to it. At the right time of day, you can touch an instant of eternity and know the essence of its weightlessness and its burden. It's beauty is so moving that you feel the presence of a past you've never seen and a future you'll never meet. Like looking at the world before the genesis and after the apocalypse and seeing where beginning and end disappear into each other, occupying the same space in the great cycle of the universe.

I know all the quasi-spiritual stuff is must seem rather intense par rapport to the fact that it's just a park -- but I felt these things so strongly there. I wish I was better equipped for explaining why. The feeling of euphoria could have been a side effect of hypothermia (with it reaching a balmy 4°C today, which, even when compared to recent negative temps the gray city's been feeling, is not the best time for spending hours in the outdoors taking photos) or even having something to do with the initative of self-reflection I've taken since the start of my new journey.

Or maybe I'm just not meant to explain it because it's rather something you need to experience for yourself.

Part of my love affair with this space excludes me from imagining it looking any more beautiful than it does already (leafless under a cold, gray sky). My (part-time) park-walk companion, however, assured me that in the spring, when the park turns green and people come out to play music and picnic on the grass, it is truely in its glory. Though he didn't necessarily employ those exact words. Actually, it's more accurate to say that he was just some asshole trying to pick me up rather than making it seem I had an invited tour guide. It kinda added to the whole experience, though, being able to maintain a state of bliss through my surroundings even in light of the supremely irritating (and suprizingly verbose) presence.

Though I did shake him when my camera batteries died, keeping him from accompanying me to the store where "we could buy enough batteries so that after the park I can take you to a museum and maybe we can find a place to buy you a bike if you like bikes and I know good places for riding I'd be more than happy to show you [etc., etc...]"

[ further tangent -- It's always my favorite part about meeting French people when after a sentance or two they say, "Et vous venez d'où ? J'entends un petit accent. " Yeh, thanks for pointing it out asshole -- nice of you to use your petit euphamism for my major grammatical error... ]

[ Further tangential writing (because whythehellnot? I've got a ton of space to fill in between my ninteen thousand photos and I'm already tired of my quasi-spiritual pontifications on the breathless wonder that is this park) -- My petit accent (and its reason for being) has been getting me into a bit of trouble with bar patrons at work, mainly because it's a French bar in France and it would seem that the bartender a) has the intelligence of a pickled cucumber or b) just doesn't speak French (however most people are inclined to assume that if a is true if b is true and are pretty much ready to jump on option b at my first "pardon?"). Granted, I ask a lot of people to repeat themselves, but I only ask each person to it once. Why, then, do they immediately get frustrated at having to switch into English ? Search me -- I never asked em to speak anything but French in the first place ....

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I am regretting my change over from talking about inner peace and a connectedness* with time and nature to petty complaints about work as much as I regret eating half of a 7 oz. chocolate bar for lunch

yesterday (or as much as I regret eating the other half just now). With all these photos of an open, public space dedicated to the appreciation of nature and beauty, couldn't one think of something more appropriate to write about ? Firstly, no. And secondly, I pretty much assumed that no one would actually read this far anyway (why should you when it's so much easier (and prettier !) to just skim through all the lovely photos ?). In fact, I've rather assumed the same thinking insofar as to say that if I invest enough time into taking purdy pictures I'm pretty much burned out by the time it comes to writing about them. Any with these pics, really, anything I could say about them would just detract from what they already stand to present on their own.

So, then, to continue before straying too, too far from the topic -- A note on French bar tastes. There seems to exist in this country an underdeveloped appreciation for cocktail culture -- a latency period, if you will, in which the Jager-bomb is something exotic and most "mixed drinks" are composed Stella Artois and some less than appetizing sirop-du-jour (i.e. grenadine, Sprite and Stella or lemon syrup and Stella). As you may be able to imagine, I am against this on a number of levels: First and foremost being that it would WAY more practical to just get good tasting beer in this country. (They have, on the other hand, done rather well with pervation of quality scotch.)

There was a rather charmingly displaced group of Anglophones at the bar Sunday night who seemed almost overwhelmed with relief when they found out I was one of "their kind." Cute, too -- three students from the American Business school. One guy from Hawaii (I've never been but I can't -- for the life of me -- figure out why you people ever want to leave that island), one from Cincinnati (I think -- he wasn't a big talker), and one from New Zealand (winner of the 2009 Prince Harry look-a-like contest). I asked him if his country was really the way they make it seem in Flight of the Conchords (this part "skillful" chit-chat, part I actually really want to know the answer to this question). He admitted to only having watched one episode (boo).

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My fellow bartender and trainer's name is Marianne and I'd also be inclined to call her charming, except that she's really anything but. She second guesses everything that I do and assumes that because I'm not familliar with how things work at this specific French bar, that I must not know the first thing about bartending (or even walking upright). She's loud and insincere and has made a real pastime of finding things to get out of shape over. Maritza (my poor roommate) has gotten two earfulls of how much this chick gets under my skin (one dose for each shift I spent with her). But really, what would a restaurant/bar experience be without one psychotic collegue ? Ask me any place I've ever worked and I will give you the name of that girl in each establishment.

I am lucky though, to be bringing in a little cash, especially considering how quickly I'm still burning through it. (The strangest things are ridiculously expensive in France -- hairspray goes for 7€50 and up, sunscreen starts at 15€, drying laundry costs 1€ for every 10 mins. That anyone could be lucky enough to call New York expensive ....) It's good, too, to have the time to sleep in after each shift and spend the day actively doing just about nothing until 8 or 9PM. Sunday afternoon, Maritza and I went walking through the Marais, my (I guess former) favorite quartier. The Marais is perfect for Sunday afternoons because it's the Jewish district of the city, so while everything is closed and asleep the Marais is buzzing with energy and life. My reasons for loving it fall simply into three categories. 1) The architecture (it is one of the most beautiful and quirky and well composed sections of Paris/France/Europe), 2) the Marais has hands-down some of the best places to shop in the city (between the range of boutiques and the vintages shops which are *le gasp* actually affordable), and 3) (perhaps most importantly) la rue des Rosiers has absolutely the best falafel I have ever had (or perhaps will ever have) in my life.**
*It is a word.***

** The only draw back is that I can no longer take supreme joy in all falafel, now knowing what the true food of the God's tastes like.

***In Samese if nothing else.

19ème

O meu quarto, 13h43
22 January 2010
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. . . . . . . .This was my first morning waking up in a new apartment in a (re)new(ed) city. It's almost 2PM. Because I don't have any furniture with drawers, I can't figure out what to do with my underwear. This is as good a reason as any to put off unpacking.

The apartment is old. Like, hella old. Though it's equiped with hardwood floors (well coveted in New York), the landlady has decided to lay bamboo mats all over the place, sticking them to the floor with double-sided tape. Where the mats lift up there's no sign of damage. She's also chosen to cover the tiled bathroom and kitchen floors with that fake, plastic roll-out stuff.
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There are also bamboo mats all over the kitchen counter. Errant burn marks decorate the kitchen table, cupboards and curtains. My roommate tells me the former tenant was not particularly "neat," sending the landlady into a tizzy about what the next tenants might be capable of. (I've been tryin to figure out if he didn't actually set the place on fire at one point. It would seem ...) There's also a second bedroom, which I failed to notice the last two times I came here (way to be observant, Sam). The landlady keeps this room for herself: Behind the locked door (of course it's locked) lies the overflow of beloved possessions too dear to let go of and yet not dear enough to keep somewhere the owner actually has access to them.

I tried to take a shower last night after moving. I tried really, really hard. The water temp is fickel as hell and there's really no pressure to speak of (at one point the duck spigot was literally dribbling water onto the floor of the tub). After about half an hour of work, I did succeed (sort of).

I've taken to constantly reminding myself of how much this place costs (with utilities it comes to truely ridiculous $440 a month. Truely ridiculous). It's absolutely neccessary, too. After the financial falls at the very beginning of my trip, I cut down to eating once a day.
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It's amazing how the golden lens of desperation can color any living situation.

Last night after moving, I went grocery shopping and bought a veritable smorgosboard for about 7€ (organic brown rice and ratatouille and eggs and wine and bread and cheese).

Since classes don't start until the 1st, I'm spending the next week until then doing just about as much nothing as I can handle. I did go for a brief walk today through the park and bought a large chocolat chaud at the cafe on the corner (which makes caiparinhas btw, which I'm planning on checking out). Tonight, I'm visiting a bar at Bastille Anna and I used to frequent when we were au pairs. By "visiting" I kind of mean visiting the bartender side of the bar. (Don't judge me -- this is still as close as I've come to doing nothing in a long time.)

I do have two plans for this week, at least: One, is to write another blog entry with photos from the quartier (because, merde*) the other is to meet one of my favorite Parisiens for a drink a some point. I like how this blog has also kind of become a laundry list of things I intend to do. You don't get more quotidien than that. Speaking of I should do laundry. And maybe buy some sort of makeshift drawer to put my laundry in.

Oh, and as far as my roommate goes, well, on verra. What she has going for her: She's super sweet, she seems to enjoy cooking and going out (dancing, which is definite extra points) and has a more than decent taste in music. And I can speak English with her when my brain is fried (upon waking/just before going to sleep/many, many of the moments in between). Against her: Well, not much. She likes to keep the sponge in water (there's a whole race of people that think like this. I don't get it) but even that I can very easily learn to live with. Otherwise ... well, while "perfect" is begging for proof to the contrary, let's say that the way it looks now, I couldn't have been luckier.

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*Meant in the good, American sense of "shiiit."