la cuisine

à côté du chauffage (encore une fois), 1h11
16 March 2010

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I've decided I've missed too much of my story to go back and recount it now. It's probably part of the reason I've put off writing for so long.

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. . . . . . . . . I made him a mixed CD yesterday. This, instead of doing one of the million and one things I should have been taking care of in order to put my steady shaking apart Parisian life back together. I spent hours on that shit. I left it by his door wrapped in a piece of sketch book paper with "écoute-moi" written in small handwriting on the front and with a note on the inside that said "ça va, la grève ? say one more time that you're not looking for a relationship or at least not one with me and I promise I'll let it drop," and on the other side "en tous cas, happy listening. -s "

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That was this afternoon. Still no word.

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This is my final attempt at regaining some level of sanity. It's been hard to maintain my distance lately, despite some half-hearted efforts. So now instead of loosing what feels like hours of the day walking around trying to figure out what's going on his head after every encounter, I'll know if there's actually something there worth hanging on for or if I should stop wasting time waiting around for nothing.

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Two weeks ago Maritza and I finally called a plumber at 22h30 at night to come and fix the shower which had given up on mainting any level of water pressure about a month before. The landlady didn't care. Or she did but cared more about her pretty golden duck head than our hygiene. The plumber came and took the old faucet and left us with a 700€ bill for a new one, plus the 160€ he charged for the service. He was in the apartment for less than an hour.

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The only reason we took it was because he said he was going to leave us a bill of about 200€ just for having to come to the apartment at 11 o'clock at night and as shit as it is to get your landlady to reimburse you for the 820€ you were overcharged for a useless shower it's even more shit to get her to cover the 200€ you just threw in the (only marginally more functional) toilet. It's been complicated trying to go about getting our money back because of letters and documents and tracking down the (putain connard) plumber so Maritza's friend has been helping us out a lot. Which doesn't give us as much space as we need. Well, as I need, anyway.

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I know I'm not the only one. I'm lost in a sea of other girls waiting to get into his shorts and a slightly larger group of other girls waiting to get back into his shorts and as much as he must know at this point, know because I've told him, how much he makes me feel like just another easy lay, he still doesn't think before he does something to crush me just a little bit more. And I spend so much time hating him for it and trying to figure out all the reasons why he's just not worth it and how he's just another guy that doesn't know what he wants. And then after I've spent even five minutes with him I'm suddenly over it. And all that's left is those warm hazel eyes looking down on me and a painful realization that the negativity was a waste of energy because he's already been forgiven. Because I can't not forgive him. Can't not understand.

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The bastard ...

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I hope he says not that it's bad timing but that he's not interested in me. Then I can really let it go for good. But I think he likes me too much to let me stop liking him infinitely more and his compliments and his thoughtfulness and his way of lingering when we spend time together, it's like dysfunctional relationship Miracle grow. And I eat it up with a fucking spoon.

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Blue Corn Pancakes and Maple Syrup

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This recipe yields neither of these as a final product.

Adzuki beans and whole grain brown rice are like a match made in high nutritional value heaven. I topped my dish with a poached egg for extra protein (and because I like eggs). The cheese mentioned in the recipe is speculative (and, likewise, optional) but I'm rather excited about trying the combo out. This lunch was enjoyed with some hot, tasty (and rather stunning) hibiscus tea à la Lala.

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2 cups cooked adzuki beans (homemade is better but I won't judge you for using canned)

2 1/2 cups cooked (though al dente) short grain brown rice

1/2 cup loosely chopped (and lightly toasted) walnuts

3-4 shallots, sliced

1/2 bunch chard or kale, well washed, destemed and sliced

juice of 1/2 a lemon (about 2 T)

1/4 tsp. ground coriander

2 tsp fresh thyme

pinch evaporated cane sugar

heavy pinch red pepper flakes

2 T Evoo + more for drizzling

sea salt and fresh black pepper to taste

parmesan or manchego to garnish (totally optional)

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Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over med heat. Add shallots, pinch of sugar, red pepper flakes and two pinches of salt and sautée until the shallots become soft and take on a little color. Add lemon juice and chard/kale and continue sautéeing until the greens are soft and darker in color (about 2 minutes) then add the beans, walnuts, coriander and thyme and sautée another minute or so. Finally add the rice and any additional oil if it's looking a bit dry. Remove from flame after dish is well heated. Garnish with a dusting of parmesan or shaved manchego and serve as side or main course topped with a poached egg.